Post by Father Figure on Sept 2, 2010 8:40:03 GMT -5
www.blackamericaweb.com/?q=articles/life_style/home_family_life_style/20951/3
Dating While Married: Is It Ever Permissible?
Date: Monday, August 09, 2010, 10:07 am
By: Tonya Pendleton, BlackAmericaWeb.com
Omarosa Manigualt-Stallworth (Retna)
On TV One's “The Ultimate Merger,” Omarosa Manigualt-Stallworth's way-too-entertaining bachelorette show, last week's finale came down to an anti-climactic moment. Her final choice was between R&B singer Ray Lavender, foreign currency trader Charles Parker and singer/radio personality Al B. Sure.
She liked Lavender best, but as it turns out, he neglected to tell her that his divorce was not yet finalized.(It seems Manigualt-Stallworth has made a choice in her real life though, as she’s been seen hitting the red carpet with actor Michael Clarke Duncan in the last few weeks.) So it begs the question – is it ever okay to date a married man? Many former Alicia Keys fans would say no, but the reality is most grown people don’t hold off until a divorce is final to start dating again.
If you’re the type who believes that dating a married man or woman is never okay, then you should probably stop reading now. If you recognize that life has a few grey areas, then read on.
WHEN TO CONSIDER DATING A MARRIED MAN
If there’s a legal separation. In the case of a legal separation, there is a good chance that the marriage is heading toward a divorce. While it’s obviously not a complete dissolution of marriage, in a legal separation, custody, money and property issues have usually been decided, and those arrangements may carry over into a divorce. If both parties have agreed on a legal separation, chances are they’ve agreed that the marriage is over. However, there are six states that do not recognize a legal separation – Georgia, Delaware, Pennsylvania, Texas, Florida and Mississippi. So, if someone tells you they have filed for one in those states, chances are they’re lying. However, there are good reasons why people who are no longer interested in being with each other pursue a legal separation rather than a divorce – including benefits, which in some cases may require a certain number of years married to collect on, health insurance, particularly if there is any chronic illness involved, and sometimes religious beliefs, which would preclude an actual divorce.
If the person you’re interested in is in the military, it takes 10 years of marriage before they can collect on certain spousal benefits, so keep that in mind as well.
If his spouse is incarcerated, mentally ill or a substance abuser. While imprisonment can be grounds for divorce in many states, there could be problems with a married spouse divorcing someone who’s in prison. If they are in prison for life or for many years, that might make it easier to get a divorce, but a prisoner can contest a divorce from jail, although they cannot make court appearances. In New York State, a jail sentence of more than three years is considered grounds for divorce, but states vary. If the spouse is “incurably insane” or confined to a mental institution, again, states vary on what needs to be proven in order for a divorce to take place. If their mental illness can be cured by medication, it may be difficult to use it as grounds for a divorce. In the case of alcoholics or substance abusers, you may have to document the addiction, and if there are periods of sobriety in between, it will be harder to prove if the non-addicted spouse wants to divorce.
If they have been abandoned by their spouse. If they do not know the whereabouts of a spouse, they can eventually prove abandonment, but it may take some time to get the proof they need. Should a spouse be abandoned, but then the wife comes home and they can prove areconciliation occurred (say a child was born), if the wife disappears again, it will “reset” the clock on the time the other spouse can prove the abandonment.
If they are in financial straits. Divorce is a legal proceeding that can be expensive, particularly for those who are struggling financially. It may be easier for someone to stay married and just move out if they are already paying child support and any other support for their estranged wife and children. They may have an informal agreement that works that might be adjusted unfavorably in a divorce. They might not be able to afford a divorce, particularly if the divorce is complicated or the spouse is resistant.
If they’re rich. Sure, finances are less of an obstacle when you have the money to get a divorce. But even celebrity divorces can drag on for some time, especially if there is major conflict, the estranged spouse is fighting the divorce or delaying it with court procedures or childrens' custody or sharing of assets is at issue.
If they or the spouse is a citizen of a foreign country. Once again, laws vary by state, but it can be more complicated to divorce if a person was married in a foreign country or is trying to divorce someone who now lives in another country. If that person is unreachable or if they are uncooperative, that can make divorce difficult.
RED FLAGS: SIGNS A MARRIED MAN IS STILL LIVING WITH HIS WIFE
Inconsistency. The number-one sign that a man is lying – married or not – is inconsistency. If he’s calling all the time, then the calls drop off, if he’s available only at certain times or if he runs hot and cold in his treatment of you, that’s a clear red flag that he has someone else to answer to.
Secrecy. If you don’t know any basic details about him, have never been to his home, have no idea what he does, or when you ask any personal questions, he’s vague or eludes the subject, that is also a pretty clear red flag. (He could be involved in illegal activity!) If you’re told that anything to do with his former relationship is “none of your business” then yeah, he’s probably lying.
Family. If you’re spending a lot of time together, the relationship seems serious and he’s been honest about being married and separated, he could be sincere. But if you haven’t met any of his friends, his children, his mother, his sisters or anyone else important in his life, he could certainly be lying. He could have drama with his ex, sure. He may not want to flaunt his new girlfriend in an estranged wife’s face. His mother, grandmother or siblings may have liked his wife and he doesn’t want the drama. Or, he’s lying. If you do meet any family members, and they are openly hostile, either he really messed up on a wife they liked or they know he’s a cheating liar but he’s still family. They will likely see you as the floozy who led him astray.
If he's doing too much. If he’s the most attentive man you’ve ever known, if he’s showering you with flowers and gifts, if he’s treating you better than any man has ever treated you, if he’s moving things along as quickly as possible because he’s sure you’re the one, chances are he’s married, and he’s seducing you as fast as possible to get you to give in. Once you do, he’ll tell you he’s married and “trying to work things out,” but by then, you may already be emotionally involved.
He’ll count on that.
If he’s possessive and jealous. Well, that could be why he’s separated. Or, as it often goes, he’s lying to both you and the wife, and he’s jealous because his own behaviors have made him insecure about everyone else.
WHAT IF THE WOMAN IS MARRIED?
Gentlemen, women cheat too. And you may think that you’ve found the right one, only to start suspecting something’s up. If she’s still married and living with her husband, she’s probably doing to do whatever she can to keep that from you. A great telltale sign – a password protected phone. If she’s truly single, there’s no one to hide anything from. If she’s told you she’s married and separated, then you can also check the above list for things that might delay a divorce. A woman with children may be very unlikely to divorce if she stands to lose any benefits for herself or her children. (For example, a military wife.) A married woman with children also has a myriad of excuses for not fully bringing you into her life. Some are legitimate, but unless her child has a chronic illness, numerous excuses based around her children are a red flag.
A pending divorce could be delayed for financial reasons, but also could be if she’s in hiding from an abusive spouse. If she’s had to flee the state, he may make it difficult for her to divorce him or she may not want him to know where she is, which would make divorce more complicated. Keep in mind that abusers often become more violent when a wife leaves or attempts to leave. If you’re dating a married woman with an abusive husband, you could be caught in the (literal) crossfire, even if she does want to divorce him.
Dating While Married: Is It Ever Permissible?
Date: Monday, August 09, 2010, 10:07 am
By: Tonya Pendleton, BlackAmericaWeb.com
Omarosa Manigualt-Stallworth (Retna)
On TV One's “The Ultimate Merger,” Omarosa Manigualt-Stallworth's way-too-entertaining bachelorette show, last week's finale came down to an anti-climactic moment. Her final choice was between R&B singer Ray Lavender, foreign currency trader Charles Parker and singer/radio personality Al B. Sure.
She liked Lavender best, but as it turns out, he neglected to tell her that his divorce was not yet finalized.(It seems Manigualt-Stallworth has made a choice in her real life though, as she’s been seen hitting the red carpet with actor Michael Clarke Duncan in the last few weeks.) So it begs the question – is it ever okay to date a married man? Many former Alicia Keys fans would say no, but the reality is most grown people don’t hold off until a divorce is final to start dating again.
If you’re the type who believes that dating a married man or woman is never okay, then you should probably stop reading now. If you recognize that life has a few grey areas, then read on.
WHEN TO CONSIDER DATING A MARRIED MAN
If there’s a legal separation. In the case of a legal separation, there is a good chance that the marriage is heading toward a divorce. While it’s obviously not a complete dissolution of marriage, in a legal separation, custody, money and property issues have usually been decided, and those arrangements may carry over into a divorce. If both parties have agreed on a legal separation, chances are they’ve agreed that the marriage is over. However, there are six states that do not recognize a legal separation – Georgia, Delaware, Pennsylvania, Texas, Florida and Mississippi. So, if someone tells you they have filed for one in those states, chances are they’re lying. However, there are good reasons why people who are no longer interested in being with each other pursue a legal separation rather than a divorce – including benefits, which in some cases may require a certain number of years married to collect on, health insurance, particularly if there is any chronic illness involved, and sometimes religious beliefs, which would preclude an actual divorce.
If the person you’re interested in is in the military, it takes 10 years of marriage before they can collect on certain spousal benefits, so keep that in mind as well.
If his spouse is incarcerated, mentally ill or a substance abuser. While imprisonment can be grounds for divorce in many states, there could be problems with a married spouse divorcing someone who’s in prison. If they are in prison for life or for many years, that might make it easier to get a divorce, but a prisoner can contest a divorce from jail, although they cannot make court appearances. In New York State, a jail sentence of more than three years is considered grounds for divorce, but states vary. If the spouse is “incurably insane” or confined to a mental institution, again, states vary on what needs to be proven in order for a divorce to take place. If their mental illness can be cured by medication, it may be difficult to use it as grounds for a divorce. In the case of alcoholics or substance abusers, you may have to document the addiction, and if there are periods of sobriety in between, it will be harder to prove if the non-addicted spouse wants to divorce.
If they have been abandoned by their spouse. If they do not know the whereabouts of a spouse, they can eventually prove abandonment, but it may take some time to get the proof they need. Should a spouse be abandoned, but then the wife comes home and they can prove areconciliation occurred (say a child was born), if the wife disappears again, it will “reset” the clock on the time the other spouse can prove the abandonment.
If they are in financial straits. Divorce is a legal proceeding that can be expensive, particularly for those who are struggling financially. It may be easier for someone to stay married and just move out if they are already paying child support and any other support for their estranged wife and children. They may have an informal agreement that works that might be adjusted unfavorably in a divorce. They might not be able to afford a divorce, particularly if the divorce is complicated or the spouse is resistant.
If they’re rich. Sure, finances are less of an obstacle when you have the money to get a divorce. But even celebrity divorces can drag on for some time, especially if there is major conflict, the estranged spouse is fighting the divorce or delaying it with court procedures or childrens' custody or sharing of assets is at issue.
If they or the spouse is a citizen of a foreign country. Once again, laws vary by state, but it can be more complicated to divorce if a person was married in a foreign country or is trying to divorce someone who now lives in another country. If that person is unreachable or if they are uncooperative, that can make divorce difficult.
RED FLAGS: SIGNS A MARRIED MAN IS STILL LIVING WITH HIS WIFE
Inconsistency. The number-one sign that a man is lying – married or not – is inconsistency. If he’s calling all the time, then the calls drop off, if he’s available only at certain times or if he runs hot and cold in his treatment of you, that’s a clear red flag that he has someone else to answer to.
Secrecy. If you don’t know any basic details about him, have never been to his home, have no idea what he does, or when you ask any personal questions, he’s vague or eludes the subject, that is also a pretty clear red flag. (He could be involved in illegal activity!) If you’re told that anything to do with his former relationship is “none of your business” then yeah, he’s probably lying.
Family. If you’re spending a lot of time together, the relationship seems serious and he’s been honest about being married and separated, he could be sincere. But if you haven’t met any of his friends, his children, his mother, his sisters or anyone else important in his life, he could certainly be lying. He could have drama with his ex, sure. He may not want to flaunt his new girlfriend in an estranged wife’s face. His mother, grandmother or siblings may have liked his wife and he doesn’t want the drama. Or, he’s lying. If you do meet any family members, and they are openly hostile, either he really messed up on a wife they liked or they know he’s a cheating liar but he’s still family. They will likely see you as the floozy who led him astray.
If he's doing too much. If he’s the most attentive man you’ve ever known, if he’s showering you with flowers and gifts, if he’s treating you better than any man has ever treated you, if he’s moving things along as quickly as possible because he’s sure you’re the one, chances are he’s married, and he’s seducing you as fast as possible to get you to give in. Once you do, he’ll tell you he’s married and “trying to work things out,” but by then, you may already be emotionally involved.
He’ll count on that.
If he’s possessive and jealous. Well, that could be why he’s separated. Or, as it often goes, he’s lying to both you and the wife, and he’s jealous because his own behaviors have made him insecure about everyone else.
WHAT IF THE WOMAN IS MARRIED?
Gentlemen, women cheat too. And you may think that you’ve found the right one, only to start suspecting something’s up. If she’s still married and living with her husband, she’s probably doing to do whatever she can to keep that from you. A great telltale sign – a password protected phone. If she’s truly single, there’s no one to hide anything from. If she’s told you she’s married and separated, then you can also check the above list for things that might delay a divorce. A woman with children may be very unlikely to divorce if she stands to lose any benefits for herself or her children. (For example, a military wife.) A married woman with children also has a myriad of excuses for not fully bringing you into her life. Some are legitimate, but unless her child has a chronic illness, numerous excuses based around her children are a red flag.
A pending divorce could be delayed for financial reasons, but also could be if she’s in hiding from an abusive spouse. If she’s had to flee the state, he may make it difficult for her to divorce him or she may not want him to know where she is, which would make divorce more complicated. Keep in mind that abusers often become more violent when a wife leaves or attempts to leave. If you’re dating a married woman with an abusive husband, you could be caught in the (literal) crossfire, even if she does want to divorce him.